My Personal Experience with Wicca

When I left you last, I was discussing my youth as a Catholic who wasn't really a Catholic. My religious life next progressed* through Wicca. My first true exposure to this form of spirituality and/or religion was online when I was in middle school. Due to my "relative cultural isolation" discussed in the last entry, I was not yet prepared nor open minded enough for its value. I dismissed it and the person discussing it as weird.

I was a different person in high school. The world was bigger to me and I found myself valuing and even thirsting for diversity. I was lucky enough to have an English teacher with balls. Why do I say this? Because she was a public school teacher who, while having us read Miller's The Crucible also had us research different concepts in the book including witchcraft. She divided us into groups. One group was to research the witchcraft trials of Salem; a second group researched McCarthyism; my group was lucky enough to research the reality of witchcraft. My group was divided even further. One of us researched the official Catholic and Protestant stances on witchcraft while the rest of us looked into holidays, beliefs, and tools. I was looking into tools. I was interested in it because I was already intrigued by tarot cards. (Actually, my interest in Japanese culture and anime brought me to tarot through the show Escaflowne in which a Japanese girl uses a set.)

Until then, my Catholic background and the fear that was ingrained into me had prevented me from looking too closely at these beliefs. Now, through the generous permission of academia, I was able to cross the boundary. As I researched the tools of actual witches and covens, I read about the basic beliefs and realized that this all made sense to me - more sense than Catholisicm ever had. I was always a girl who loved nature more than most people, and this spiritualy and/or religion practically worshiped nature. What's more it acknowledged the Old Gods I had always been so curious about. I discovered that people still worshiped them and found them to be alive and well thank-you-very-much. I was intrigued. Was my undying curiosity in mythology actually some sort of calling? Was my love of nature, often a subject mocked by my schoolmates, also a calling? Slowly but surely I learned more.

In high school one gains some mobility. If you didn't drive, you knew friends who did. You were able to go places without your parents. You started working and could spend money without asking for it from your parents. I was able to go to the book store and browse and purchase books on witchcraft and Wicca without having to ask my parents' permission. Through this process I decided that I really was Wiccan.

Now you must remember that I was till in high school and thus young. I was still naive and only focused on the basics. I was a huge fan of those "Wicca 101" books that many of us in the Pagan community resent. At the same time, I had to start somewhere. I was a solitary for the most part. Another friend was dappling with it so we did a few rituals together, one of which, on Samhain, made me believe in it so thoroughly. After calling the quarters and stating our purpose, we meditated on our ancestors and, through vision, a recently deceased family friend came to me with something to say. It was so real and poignant that I cried. I also practiced more with magic during this period than any other. I was so intrigued by it and believed in it wholeheartedly. I still do. So much so that my small experience has taught me not to resort to "manipulative forms of magic" unless I'm very clearminded.

My early experiences with Wicca were childlike as I was a child.

In college I began to change once more. I became far more interested in the why's and how's. History fascinated me. Mythology still fascinated me. I began looking deeper into Paganism. I knew that Gerald Gardner was the founder but I didn't know that much about him... Then I started to look ... and was disturbed. Presently I find Gardner as an interesting character who should be given a lot of credit for starting the modern Pagan movement - but five years ago I was very taken aback by his lechery for instance. I also started to learn more about traditional Wicca and Witchcraft and found my way to "The Gospel of the Witches." After reading it through, I found that there was an aspect of Wicca that wasn't making sense to me... The more research I did the more I realized that the unapologetic cultural appropriation bothered me. I started to wonder about duotheism, archetypes, cultural energy, my own heritage, and the actual history of Wicca... What did it all mean? This was no longer feeling right. Yes I felt that I belonged in an Earth centered path and yes I felt that Paganism was my home... But I was left wondering "Which form of Paganism is mine?"

Thus the search began.

*By "progress" I don't mean to imply that Wicca is better than Catholisicm. I'm referring to a personal progress - ie, for me it was better but it won't necessarily be that way for everyone!

** Let it be known that I do not harbor any ill wishes to the Wiccan community or to their belief system(s). I simply found that it was not compatable with me. In the end, Wicca was just not "academic enough" if I may. That isn't to say that I don't know many well-read, intelligent Wiccans (one of my very good friends is one!) but the spirituality itself seems less about history, preestablished mythology, and cultural identity than I would like. Wicca is a valid religious path but it was missing those aspects and I found that they were incredibly important to me.