Good Things from a Small Pagan Event

On Saturday I visited Utica, NY for a day-long workshop event hosted by the Mohawk Valley Pagan Network. It was called "Magickal Living" and the focus was on connecting with the land and living spiritually day to day.

The day started with a workshop on labyrinths by Bruce. I've seen people walking labyrinths at Pagan festivals before but I've never been able to make a workshop for an explanation. I thought it was a great exercise in a walking meditation. As I said to the presenter afterwards, I get discouraged meditating when I have a cold (as I did) because I fous too heavily on the trouble I have breathing. Walking the labyrinth required me to focus on my steps. I think I may have to create a labyrinth of my own someday for the days when I need some peace of mind but can't seem to focus through still meditation. I will have to consider how to create a Labyrinth within a Druidic, particularly Irish, tradition.

After the labyritnh we feasted on various dishes. I brought a pumpkin spice bread made by the local Mennonites. Others brought grilled corn and salsa from local farmers. Everyone else brought healthy organic, vegetarian, or vegan dishes. Katrina, the organizer, lead a thoughtful discussion on food and its relavence to Pagans. The discussion was wonderful and many important issues within Paganism were brought up such as whether or not ethical eating is spiritualy important, whether or not factory farmed food comes with negative energies and if they can be negated, whether or not animals should be acceptable sacrifices, as well as how we can use food in magic and ritual. Katrina did an excellent job faciliatting the discussion and provided some of her own insights. I think that food has gone unnoticed by many within the Pagan community. It seems like an afterthought most of the time. "Oh there's a potluck after the ritual... I'll just stop at Walmart and grab a bag of chicken wings." I'm guilty of that myself although I wouldn't buy chicken wings at Walmart. :P The point is, Katrina, a self-appointed kitchen witch, continually forces the local Pagan community to consider the spiritual implications of food and how we can use it to better connect us to deity.

Skip, the archdruid of ADF, presented his workshop on dragons, fairies, and giants (oh my!). Although I think the presentation should have been shortented to a discussion just on dragons or fairies (or possibly only those) it was really interesting. He provided a scholarly presentation that included the value of skepticism, something the Pagan community could use a bit more of from time to time. That said, it was nicely balanced with UPG and whimsy, making his presentation a breath of fresh air.

Finally Catherine Cooney presented a workshop on drums that included meditations, chanting, and a swinging drum circle! I think everyone had a blast hooting and hollering, banging and rattling.

My main concern about the event was that it was so, so small with only 15ish people in attendance. There were several other activities going on in the area that day and, being the last weekend in August, many people were probably trying to fit a lot in. I was dissapointed at the small numbers but, in the end, it was a lovely intimate setting with some wonderful people. All the same I think the group had hoped to achieve a higher attendance. When I joined MVPN a few years ago it was after their now defunct BPUF (Beltaine Pagan Unity Festival). Before that I had been a solitary practicioner and it shocked me to see so many people at the event. Magickal Living was only a small shadow of that due to the attendance. A facebook group had been created to invite others in the community and many who RSVPed "yes" did not show up. Besides Facebook, someone mentioned that they had seen a poster at a local cafe. As I'm no longer a resident of the community I have no idea if any other posters were put up or when they were displayed. My advice to MVPN is to shoot for the BPUF event again. Advertise stronger and sooner. It should probably take place earlier in the summer rather than later so that it isn't when everyone is scrambling to fit one last family cookout or camping trip in before school. It also shouldn't compete with such a large event as the Clinton Art Festival.

That said, if MVPN continues along this vein, Utica could have some exciting future events for Pagans. Unlike the previous BPUFs and even the Pagan Pride Day in Syracuse, NY, Magickal Living demonstrated that more cognitive workshops have a definite place within Paganism and are doable by even the smaller groups. MVPN brought in the archdruid of one of the major Druidic movements which is wonderful. Not only does it show that MVPN respects its elders but that it is willing to look to movements other than Wicca. Katrina gave a very thoughtful presentation that, as I said, inspired discussion about important issues in Paganism - issues that go beyond the typical Wicca 101 same-old same-old that shows up again and again. Shouldn't more Pagan gatherings be that way? Newbies can find those resources very easily now. Why not make more workshops for the experienced and intermediate Pagans? Why not set an example for the new Pagans and show them what they can grow into?

Kudos MVPN.

Druid BBQ Anyone?

I just had to post this.

Northern Nature Spirits

I think I said in a previous post that I recently moved. I used to live in central NY and I moved to the northern area. There doesn't seem to be a huge difference in the flaura and fauna but the landscape is one that I'm not as familiar with. I grew up with a forest in the backyard and, although there are forests and small groves of trees here and there, the landscape is largely agricultural and thus flooded with fields - fields of grass, fields of corn, fields of grape vine, and fields of wildflowers. Before I moved here a freind who spent her childhood in northern NY commented that there is a different feel to the nature spirits. While I haven't felt them to be too vastly different there is something about it... My fiance remarked on the lushness of central NY in contrast to our new home and I think he may be on to something. I don't think lush is quite the right word to use. Lush implies an expansive growth of plantlife and that exists all over NY state I think. The difference is that southern NY is lush with trees whereas we are lush with field plants. It is the difference in lushness that marks the difference in nature spirits.

The forested areas are more wild and ruled by their own forces whereas the fields are or were shaped by humans. Perhaps what I feel is a slight absense of the abundance of nature spirits felt in my parents' backyard. Or perhaps they are Nature Spirits more akin to us because they are interested in cultivation and the fertility of fields. It is hard for me to say.

I do want to increase my understanding of this new landscape and somehow develop a relationship with its spirits. Will I find the same land Goddess here that I did south? My instincts tell me yes becaues I'm really not that far away from home and the deer still run as abundantly here as they did there. The trees are still the same variety. The water is running from similar sources. The trick is finding her, connecting, and letting her know that I'm still here and want to know her.

Some Thoughts on Converting to Paganism

In my last post about my personal history, I discussed my transition from Christianity to Paganism and, in particular, to Wicca. I may have made it sound very smooth but that wasn't the case at all.

I told my mum at first and, though she wasn't against it, she was cautious. She was worried about dangerous cults and shady characters. Her worries were valid but I've always been slow to warm up to people and I rarely go to a new group by myself for safety reasons.

My father on the other hand... well, let's just say that I didn't outright tell him about my conversion for a couple years. He's gone from abrasively angry about it to thinking it's just a phase. I've decided to be optimistic and call that progress! The rest of my family (except for my strict Catholic grandparents who are still in the dark about it) slowly found out. I never made any attempts to get everyone together and make a public announcement out of it. I know some authors suggest that. The Arch Druid of ADF suggests taking the opportunity to say grace at a family dinner as a way to break the religious ice. If that approach works for some that's wonderful but that isn't really my style to begin with and my family would not have taken it well that suddenly. Instead I let them observe some of my interest in Paganism little by little. I would occasionally discuss history, mythology, and unspecified spiritual experiences with nature. I openly delighted at the full moon and vehomently defended religious minorities when they came up unfavorably in discussion. Quite simply, I mindfully went out acting as normally as possible as if people already knew I was Pagan. Eventually family members put two and two together or it just came out casually in polite discussion.

At first my conversion was more cerebral. There were a couple weeks where I didn't practice very much aside from the reading I was doing. As a Catholic I had prayed my own prayer to Jesus and God every night. There was a night I realized that I had to make a transition and it was, quite honestly, frighetning. It was a moment of truth, I suppose. I grew up hearing about how there was "only one God" and how angry he could become in some situations. I had once gotten into a horrible argument with a very dear friend about the Book of Revelations. She was going through a strict Baptist phase and was trying to convince me that anyone who isn't a Christian is going to be punished. To me that always has seemed like a terrible concept. Why would anyone find comfort in that, especially when you consider all of the innocent non-Christian people?

In the dark of one's bedroom on the cusp of a major theological transition, those thoughts somehow become more frightening. And when I decided to replace "God and Jesus" with "God and Goddess" or "Lord and Lady" (I can't remember my choice very well...) I felt my body tingle and realized that I had just crossed into a new mindset. It was a wonderful thing. I might even call it a triumph against "Christian fear."

Meditation

As I was feeling a bit stressed today I decided to start cleaning the sewing/ritual room thus creating a more relaxing environment that would be conducive to ritual and meditation. There are still things to do in there but the floor is much cleaner. I was able to comfortably use my altar and then situate myself on the floor to meditate. I've been feeling out of practice recently. Meditation comes in cycles with me as of late. I do it for awhile, feel like I'm making progress... and then I find myself doing it less and less until I feel out of practice... Then I start again.

A few months ago I was practicing my visualization by focusing on the image of a full moon while breathing slowly. I'm doing that again and, while I need to work up to the focus I once had, I think that I'm moving at a faster pace than last time. Maybe it's all in my head but I'd like to think that I'm making some progress!

My Personal Experience with Wicca

When I left you last, I was discussing my youth as a Catholic who wasn't really a Catholic. My religious life next progressed* through Wicca. My first true exposure to this form of spirituality and/or religion was online when I was in middle school. Due to my "relative cultural isolation" discussed in the last entry, I was not yet prepared nor open minded enough for its value. I dismissed it and the person discussing it as weird.

I was a different person in high school. The world was bigger to me and I found myself valuing and even thirsting for diversity. I was lucky enough to have an English teacher with balls. Why do I say this? Because she was a public school teacher who, while having us read Miller's The Crucible also had us research different concepts in the book including witchcraft. She divided us into groups. One group was to research the witchcraft trials of Salem; a second group researched McCarthyism; my group was lucky enough to research the reality of witchcraft. My group was divided even further. One of us researched the official Catholic and Protestant stances on witchcraft while the rest of us looked into holidays, beliefs, and tools. I was looking into tools. I was interested in it because I was already intrigued by tarot cards. (Actually, my interest in Japanese culture and anime brought me to tarot through the show Escaflowne in which a Japanese girl uses a set.)

Until then, my Catholic background and the fear that was ingrained into me had prevented me from looking too closely at these beliefs. Now, through the generous permission of academia, I was able to cross the boundary. As I researched the tools of actual witches and covens, I read about the basic beliefs and realized that this all made sense to me - more sense than Catholisicm ever had. I was always a girl who loved nature more than most people, and this spiritualy and/or religion practically worshiped nature. What's more it acknowledged the Old Gods I had always been so curious about. I discovered that people still worshiped them and found them to be alive and well thank-you-very-much. I was intrigued. Was my undying curiosity in mythology actually some sort of calling? Was my love of nature, often a subject mocked by my schoolmates, also a calling? Slowly but surely I learned more.

In high school one gains some mobility. If you didn't drive, you knew friends who did. You were able to go places without your parents. You started working and could spend money without asking for it from your parents. I was able to go to the book store and browse and purchase books on witchcraft and Wicca without having to ask my parents' permission. Through this process I decided that I really was Wiccan.

Now you must remember that I was till in high school and thus young. I was still naive and only focused on the basics. I was a huge fan of those "Wicca 101" books that many of us in the Pagan community resent. At the same time, I had to start somewhere. I was a solitary for the most part. Another friend was dappling with it so we did a few rituals together, one of which, on Samhain, made me believe in it so thoroughly. After calling the quarters and stating our purpose, we meditated on our ancestors and, through vision, a recently deceased family friend came to me with something to say. It was so real and poignant that I cried. I also practiced more with magic during this period than any other. I was so intrigued by it and believed in it wholeheartedly. I still do. So much so that my small experience has taught me not to resort to "manipulative forms of magic" unless I'm very clearminded.

My early experiences with Wicca were childlike as I was a child.

In college I began to change once more. I became far more interested in the why's and how's. History fascinated me. Mythology still fascinated me. I began looking deeper into Paganism. I knew that Gerald Gardner was the founder but I didn't know that much about him... Then I started to look ... and was disturbed. Presently I find Gardner as an interesting character who should be given a lot of credit for starting the modern Pagan movement - but five years ago I was very taken aback by his lechery for instance. I also started to learn more about traditional Wicca and Witchcraft and found my way to "The Gospel of the Witches." After reading it through, I found that there was an aspect of Wicca that wasn't making sense to me... The more research I did the more I realized that the unapologetic cultural appropriation bothered me. I started to wonder about duotheism, archetypes, cultural energy, my own heritage, and the actual history of Wicca... What did it all mean? This was no longer feeling right. Yes I felt that I belonged in an Earth centered path and yes I felt that Paganism was my home... But I was left wondering "Which form of Paganism is mine?"

Thus the search began.

*By "progress" I don't mean to imply that Wicca is better than Catholisicm. I'm referring to a personal progress - ie, for me it was better but it won't necessarily be that way for everyone!

** Let it be known that I do not harbor any ill wishes to the Wiccan community or to their belief system(s). I simply found that it was not compatable with me. In the end, Wicca was just not "academic enough" if I may. That isn't to say that I don't know many well-read, intelligent Wiccans (one of my very good friends is one!) but the spirituality itself seems less about history, preestablished mythology, and cultural identity than I would like. Wicca is a valid religious path but it was missing those aspects and I found that they were incredibly important to me.

A Catholic Background

My religious history starts with my baptism as a Roman Catholic by my family. I went through phases of feeling serious about Catholicism but it was always from a really idealistic, superficial stance. I was too young to really understand it, I hated reading the bible, and my understanding of Christianity was mostly based on a new agey "I love Jesus and he loves me too - oh that makes me feel so good!" mentality. I was also raised in relative cultural isolation. I lived in a mostly white suburb and went to a mostly white school full of Catholics and Protestants. Alternative religions were few and far between, not to mention general cultural diversity. It wasn't until I was much older that I started to look outside. I started to learn about other countries, other languages, other ways of seeing the world... I started to travel and went to college where I met people of other religious persuasions...

But I'm getting ahead of myself!

Although I was Catholic and mostly isolated from the rest of the world, my family felt that education and reading were important. Through school I learned a bit about geography and world history - but only as much as a typical public school will allow. Any real discussion of religion was limited to very simple concepts that seemed hallow. Christianity was always the implied victor. The other big five religions were just more facts to remember for a test. We never discussed their merits or the depth of their philosophies. But the library had books if one knew where to look... and mythology.

Mythology was the beginning. Even as a child I was drawn to books about Belleraphon and Pegasus, Castor and Pollux, the Olympians, and the Argonauts. I liked to read and listen to the folk tales told by Native Americans who visited the local library during summer programs. (That was probably the most culturally diverse it got!) Slowly, as I moved through the stages of child development, my brain began to realize that these were religious concepts to other people. The Olympians were Gods worshiped by others. Back then, in my early youth, I couldn't imagine that people still worshiped them. I was too indoctrinated with Christianity at that point. I hadn't yet considered the possibility that the Old Gods were still around and that I had a choice- A CHOICE - in regards to my religion. Until I reached late adolescence and early adulthood, I hadn't considered whether or not my family's religion was really mine.

My mother, it must be said, was never a true Catholic. She converted only to marry my father. In reality she is more of a free spirited Christian, if I may. She's fairly liberal and has a whimsical side. She taught me that it is okay to love nature, talk to animals, and believe in fairies. She allowed me to explore my imagination and encouraged creativity, feminist thinking, and a sense of self. She was not like most of my family in those respects. At the same time, she went to church and did as she was expected.

When I discovered Wicca, she was the first person in the family I told. My conversion to Wicca is a story in and of itself that I will relate in my next post.

Two Rules for Technopagans

That post on my Pagan background will come. I promise. For now I'll just say that I study Druidism through Ár nDraíocht Féin. For those of you unfamiliar with ADF, they have a study program commonly referred to as the Dedicant Program or the DP for short. I've worked on my DP for a few years now. I sent it in this past January and have since been working on a few revisions. Most of my essays are backed up via gmail, my other blog, and a website I'm building. Two that I was revising were only on my laptop. A few weeks ago my laptop just... died. For awhile it seemed like I wouldn't be able to get anything back - my old personal writings on Paganism, old altar photos, power points I put together for classes I presented on Druidism, and my DP. (Not to mention all my other photos, college papers, wedding plans, music, etc etc etc...) This was especially frustrating because one of the documents on my hardrive, and unavailable elsewhere due to my own absentmindedness, was a five month journal about my experiences with meditation and mental discipline. I was editing it before sending it in as credit for my DP, so when I lost five months worth of work and experience... I was just devastated.

So rule number one is to back up, back up, back up your files! I thought I was safe until I realized that I had forgotten some of my documents - some that, if lost, would be irreplacable. I would have had to start it all over again. If you have a working journal, continually update a CD-R or print a copy to place in a binder. Or even mail them to yourselve over gmail. Whether you are a Druid working on a study program or a Wiccan with an electronic book of shadows - back up your work!

My story does have a happy ending though. Although I'm not as tech savy as I could be, I'm lucky enough to have a fiance with some good computer skills. He helped me to extract my lap top's hardrive and hooked it up to his computer. I was then able to access my files and save them in an alternative location. I need to buy some CD-Rs to further back it up, but it's a start. It feels wonderful to know that they aren't lost.

That brings me to rule number two: educate yourself about computers or, at the very least, befriend someone who is well-versed in the technology and can do it for you or teach you.

Changing Blog Sites

This blog was originally on Tumblr because I wanted to try it out. I decided that I don't really like it. Blogger it is!

My Altar

I know that I said I was going to post about my personal history in regards to Paganism, but I wanted to make a quick post about the state of my altar.

My fiance and I recently moved into a new apartment. We’ve moved a lot this past year and we’re finally in a place where we plan to stay for at least another year. My continuous moving from place to place has made it somewhat difficult to feel spiritually connected to my intended sacred spaces. I had an altar set up in my parents’ home until I moved out and, through continued use, it had become a sanctuary. There was so much energy invested in that place that I felt content just to be there. Due to the shortness of the past moves, I never really developed a long-term relationship with a sacred place. The actual altar itself seems imbued with sacred energy but its surroundings feel off. I’m hoping that continued usage in my new home will give it the peaceful and yet powerful energy I had grown accustomed to.

I’ve been in my new home for just slightly under a week. My altar is in the spare room. My intent is to make that room the “temple” and the art studio. To me, art is entwined with my religious life. When I create something I feel the magic of it. It makes sense to put them together. Unfortunately the room is coming together much slower than the others. Sewing and painting have not been as essential to us as eating, sleeping, and relaxing after the move. As a result the floor has piles of stuff on it… It doesn’t feel much like a sanctuary at the moment. I need to put more of an effort into organizing that room and turning it into the temple I would like.

The altar is put together though. It was one of the first things I set up. I’ve done my daily devotional in front of it every night except for last night as I had a migraine.

Why the New Blog?

I believe that we too readily disconnect ourselves from the simplest forms of spirituality by designating some aspects of life as mundane. By calling the act of brushing our teeth a mundane ritual, we lose sight of the fact that it is a ritual of sorts and that it can help us commune with the divine. In truth, our ancestors connected many so-called “mundane” aspects with a divinity or spirit of some sort.

That said, why am I creating a blog specifically to discuss aspects of spirituality? Won’t I now be separating it from my more “mundane” posts about my social life and career?

The more I think about it the more I realize that that isn’t the case. As long as I am mindful of my own spirituality in my life, and as long as I am not intentionally separating the two, they won’t be separated. Creating a blog specifically for matters of spirituality, and in particular my main interests of Paganism - Druidism in particular - will only make it easier for me to take a closer look at my spirituality. In my normal blog I have a tendency to write one post about everything going on in my life. It gets very muddled, and I imagine that it’s not all that interesting to many people.

I would also like to have larger, more public conversations about what I’m doing in regards to Paganism but my other blog is not public. It is also too full of personal details. I want to discuss my spirituality while being somewhat more anonymous due to my career. So this blog will just be for personal spiritual musings and experiences. I’ll keep it somewhat minimized on my other blog. Many people who read that are probably not very interested in my spirituality anyway. And if people are looking for what I think about Druidism and Paganism, they don’t have to wade past my personal life.

I think that will be it for my first post. Perhaps my next will be a summary of how I came to where I am in Druidism.